Acerbic Wit2006 I thought I had

E-SMARMONY

AUGUST 7, 2006

Am I the only one who thinks those e-Harmony ads are annoying as Hell?

All those smiling suburban mall people make my skin crawl. And that guy who runs it with that automatronic grin looks as smarmy as can be. Every time it comes on, I reach for the remote and change to something else. Anything else.

Let's be clear. I have nothing against online dating or match-making. I know plenty of people who have done it with great success. I think it is a great idea when done correctly and safely. But these ads just make me ill. And what the hell are the 32 or 47 or 658 dimensions of compatibility they match you against? Are you a psycho? Do you drown small animals? Pay your bills? Have indiscriminate sex? Subscribe to 53 different porn sites? Go to church more than twice a year?

As a perpetually single person, I admire people who are able to find true love even after passing beyond their fabulous years and into the beer gut years. Even though I am essentially jaded and unfeeling, I believe one can find true love at any age, and hopefully when you're not already married to someone else. And while e-Harmony is not the only company capitalizing on people's hopes for happiness, their come-ons bother me the most. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the promise of absolute happiness that they seem to want to convey. Maybe it's that grinning pitchman and his nebulous dimensions of compatibility.

Come to think of it, that's a dating term I bet you never even heard of. Maybe you should try it in a bar sometime. Just walk up to that someone you'd like to know better and say "Hey... want to see my dimensions of compatibility?" Or how about "Wow, those are some knock-out dimensions of compatibility you've got."

Let me know how it goes.

WHEN "D" STUDENTS GET "A" JOBS

AUGUST 8, 2006

People amaze me. But not always for the right reasons.

I work for a large, multi-national corporation whose name, logo and corporate signature are instantly recognizable. The people I work with are highly paid (if not over-paid), highly trained professionals who are at the top of their field. Many are nationally known for their work and accomplishments. I, on the other hand, actually work for a living.

And yet these well educated, well read and well bred professionals are some of the dumbest, most inconsiderate people I have ever met. Not stupid. Not ignorant. Not naive. Just dumb. Because there's a difference.

By dumb, I mean no common sense. No sense of reality. No consideration of others or awareness of what's happening around them or the impact on others. Brilliant is the person who can tell you when, where, why, how and how much it rains. Dumb is the person who knows all that but still doesn't know enough to come in out of it.

There's the high level manager who delays the 9AM meeting four days a week because at 8:58 he has to leave the building to walk to the deli a block away to get a breakfast sandwich, then spends an hour dissecting it in front of a room full of people.

There's the person in Administration who refuses to order light bulbs for desk lamps until you can prove to her you have exhausted all other ways of solving the lighting problem without them.

And then there's the person who sent eight overnight packages to his son at UCLA on the company DHL account, then put in a voucher for reimbursement of $2 for coffee he bought a job candidate at the coffee cart on the corner.

Certainly we all have our workplace horror stories to tell, but what we sometimes overlook is that the knucklehead who still hasn't learned how to operate his telephone voicemail after 15 years could very well wind up becoming the senior executive responsible for everything from environmental safety to global oil prices. For instance. whoever the genius is at BP that decided not to inspect the pipeline for the last 14 years, was once a peon driving some other office worker crazy. At some point someone should have recognized the danger in this guy.

BP, according to wire reports, had not performed the required physical inspections over the years. Instead, they relied on ultrasound analysis which told them things were OK. They were wrong. In some spots, more than a foot of sludge had built up in the pipeline. In others, the corrosion was so bad, the pipeline was actually leaking barrels of oil. A BP expert is quoted as saying "My assumption is that we didn't do it in the right spots".

Well DUH.

The nation has now lost 8% of its oil supply due to this lunacy. Higher prices are sure to follow. There will be much governmental hand wringing and very little in the way of penalties. Why should anyone be surprised? Corporate America continues to reward stupidity and malfeasance. The guy in the small car on the freeway takes it in the shorts and nothing ever changes.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a capitalist just like everyone else. I just can't figure out why I have to push and struggle and fight eleven hours a day, 49 weeks a year to keep my job and make a living, and other complete fools muck up the environment, wreak havoc on the economy and threaten the financial future of millions of people, then are rewarded with bonuses, stock options and transportation on private corporate jets.

I'd like to see those jets take them to some nice federal prisons and leave them there. Not likely though. They're too busy having barbecue down on the ranch in Crawford.

THE GREAT SEESAW OF LIFE

SEPTEMBER 18, 2006

I believe the universe is a balance. Picture it as a huge seesaw. I believe in order for some people to be happy, other people must be unhappy.

Not everyone agrees with my philosophy. Interestingly enough, the perpetually happy people think I'm full of shit. The saner, more realistic people I know tend to nod knowingly when I spout my theory. Even if if you don't agree, consider some examples.

When Wilma marries her Fred, they are both fabulously happy. Of course for them to be so happy, then some George and Judy, who might have loved the couple from afar, are left there. Afar. Fast forward five or ten years when Fred and Wilma are generally miserable, and you're likely to find that George and Judy are now conversely happy that it wasn't them.

On a more extreme scale, in order for that woman with no teeth from West Virginia to win the Mega Millions lottery, you and I ha won't win. And, when the airline upgrades someone else to first class because steerage is full, it means you still get stuck sitting between two people in that row across from the lavatory at the rear of the plane. In order for them to be happy, others must be unhappy.

I fully believe in my theory and support it. What I haven't been able to figure out yet is why some people feel they can only be happy by intentionally making other people miserable.

We've probably all worked for autocrats at one time or another who go out of their way to say or do ridiculously unpleasant things, just to prove something. They get some sick pleasure out of screwing up someone else's existence.

While I have learned to accept being at the mercy of the universe and taking my lumps on the great seesaw of life, I haven't quite learned how best to cope with the assholes who try to jump up and down on the end of the board and throw others off.

I need to find a way to make sure they get splinters in their butts.

FAT HEAD IDEAS

OCTOBER 3, 2006

I don't always agree with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, but I think this time the man has lost his mind.

He wants to ban trans-fat usage in New York City restaurants. And, of course, the Center for Science in the Public Interest (the food police) love the idea. These are the same people who hate movie theater popcorn and Chinese food.

Now, to be clear, I do endorse and support the Mayor's ban on smoking in New York restaurants and bars. But that restaurant smoking is something that affects more than the smoker. It subjects others to second hand smoke. So, I like the ban. To be honest, I'd also like to see them ban over-strong colognes, garlic in office lunches and perfume ads in magazines.

The problem with the trans-fat ban is that it removes freedom of choice and decisions from the only people affected by those decisions. When did Mayor Bloomberg decide that none million New Yorkers and tens of millions of visitors could not make decisions for themselves, on their own?

Where will the city draw the line between what we can't eat and what we will be forced to eat?

To be honest, my diet is so restricted, I haven't had a trans-fat in longer than I can remember. But if I make the decision to go to a lousy restaurant and have a disgusting fatty meal fried in a ton of crappy oil, that's my decision. If Mayor Mike isn't chewing it, shitting it or paying for it, he should mind his own business. I don't tell him how to order his caviar. I don't want him deciding how to cook my onion rings.

I keep thinking, in most New York apartments, the kitchen is only a few steps from the bedroom. How long until the city starts messing with us there?

EVEN MORE BAD TASTE

OCTOBER 5, 2006

If you read my previous pissing and moaning (below), then you know I think New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has lost his mind in pushing legislation to outlaw the use of trans-fats in New York City restaurants. He needs to get his nose out of everyone's chicken buckets.

Now, New Jersey is kicking this nonsense around too. This is one weed of a Garden State idea that needs to be pulled right now. Again, it isn't because health doesn't matter. But personal freedoms and freedom of choice DO matter. And no government should be taking personal decision making ability away from its citizens. This whole thing is so ridiculous. Again, not to downplay the relative dangers of trans-fats. But Hell... They've known for decades that cigarettes are absolute dangers, yet they are still sold freely everywhere, including drug stores. There are no laws in consideration anywhere to outlaw their sale. But suddenly they want to outlaw trans-fats. Again, why should we, the buying public, be denied the freedom of choice?

New Jersey has much more important and pressing matters to deal with. The budget deficit there is staggering. Taxes are beyond unreasonable. New Jersey Transit is driving riders to distraction. New Jersey traffic is insane and drivers aren't much better. Development is out of control. Crime has turned some communities into modern day versions of the wild west. But trans-fats are now going to be the issue du jour.

This isn't much better than the idiots who ignore war fatalities, the homeless, the hungry, the uninsured and the teetering future of Social Security to spend incredible amounts of energy gay bashing 10% of America.

I hope they all step in a puddle of polyunsaturated Wesson oil and break their collective necks... then find out their insurance doesn't cover them.

TASTE OF THE TOWN

OCTOBER 8, 2006

I met my friend Patrick for lunch today. He's in town visiting from Florida. So I decided we should head over to one of the leading gay neighborhoods for lunch and guy watching. I'm never quite sure why I subject myself to that since I have committed the three biggest cardinal sins of the gay world: I passed 29; I weigh more than an underwear model; and I don't wear designer clothes. Therefore, I have little reason to live and certainly don't warrant a second look.

However, Patrick is cute, even if he is also over 29, and I thought he'd enjoy a look at some of the local scenery.

The restaurant was busy, but amazingly, not mobbed, even though it was 1:00, and certainly the prime brunch period. We were surrounded by an assortment of downtown actors, out-of-work actors, former actors and actor wanna-bes. Throw in some part-time actor waiters and you've got a menu of lunchtime men who can deliver a line on stage and in the bedroom, and not make it the least bit believable in either place.

Perhaps I'm being a bit too cynical. These are, after all, my people, although I have trouble understanding how and why we tend to be such a dangerous group.

Scanning the restaurant and then walking back uptown, I couldn't quite see how this neighborhood, and others like it around the nation, posed the risk to the American way of life that the American conservative movement and the Wal-Mart Corporation seem to suggest. These are men, and a few women, eating egg white omelets and salads, shopping for birthday cards and skim milk and paying far too much in local, state and federal income taxes to be treated the way we are treated.

Every now and then I get loud and obnoxious about the fact that Washington keeps wanting to cut my rights but doesn't seem interested in cutting my taxes to the same degree. That might not have much to do with going to lunch with Patrick, but I am somehow reminded that we are expected to pick up our portion of the check, even when people want to deny us a place at the table.

I'm going to start tipping Republicans a lot less.

SMELLO PAGES

OCTOBER 15, 2006

I subscribe to about half a dozen magazines. I'm not sure why. Only one of them is really worth the time or money. The others seemed like good ideas in the beginning. I think I've kept them so long because, as a reasonably intelligent, educated gay man working in the real world, I'm expected to subscribe to and read certain magazines. Too bad so many of them are crap.

I could actually deal with the crappy magazines, the repetitive news articles, the unimaginative features and the unrealistic fashion spreads. But I can't stand the insufferable perfume and cologne inserts that show up in at least one magazine weekly. Some magazines even show up with multiple smelly inserts. Have any of the geniuses who devise these campaigns ever actually smelled any of these cologne samples once they arrive? They all smell the same... like rotted fish shoved between the pages of glossy paper that sit in canvas bags for a few days.

Lovely.

I have not yet met anyone who actually either appreciates these foul smelling inserts, or has actually ever made a cologne decision based on them. They are grossl. In fact, even people I don't know do what I do... stand in the mail room of the apatment building, rip them out of the magazines as soon as they are taken from the mailboxes and toss them in the garbage can. Nobody actually takes them to their apartments for fear of smelling up the electric bill, the credit card bill or even the junk mail Chinese restaurant menu.

These stupid things are even worse than the nozzle ninjas who populate the department store aisles, spritzing people with cologne samples as they go by. At least one can dodge them, or fix them with a warning "Don't even think it" glare, to keep them at bay. These putrid magazine inserts attack without warning, attacking the senses in an unwanted assault, hidden within the copy of that weekly that you've overpaid dearly for.

The next magazine that comes due for renewal, I will let lapse. Then, when the phone call comes wondering why I haven't renewed, I will happily tell them... "Because your magazine stinks."

Literally.

PLUS ONE

OCTOBER 17, 2006

Well, the United States reached 300,000,000 today, at least in theory. At 7:46AM Eastern Time, the theoretical 300 millionth American was born somewhere in the USA. At least two hospitals in New York City claim the newest American was born in their delivery rooms. Not coincidentally, one of those hospitals also has a habit of claiming the first baby each new year. So, while we might never know for sure where exactly the baby was born, or who he or she is, the Census Bureau tells us with some degree of scientific certainty that the 300 millionth taxpayer joined us today.

One of the two infants claimed by New York hospitals was born to parents from Mexico who speak only Spanish. Shortly after they appeared on television today, I received an e-mail from a colleague elsewhere in the mega-corporation I work for, suggesting that the "founding fathers would spin in their graves if they knew the father" of one of the two babies being showcased did not speak English.

I replied, as diplomatically as I could, that I did not agree. In fact, I believed they would be proud that this many years later, people from around the world were still coming to America in search of the American dream, since it was indeed a dream of a better life that drew the first settlers to this nation's shores. I said they would probably spin in their graves knowing there were so many in Washington trying so hard to build fences on the borders to keep people out.

Which brings me to this. When exactly did we become so elitist that we decided the American dream had been attained by enough people, and it was time to turn off the dream tap? How do we know we aren't keeping out the next Albert Einstein, Henry Kissinger, Werner Von Braun, Ingrid Bergman or Dora Press?

Dora Press? Who is Dora Press? She was an immigrant who married Edwark Salk. Together they had a son named Jonas who discovered the polio vaccine.

I can't say I agree with the post 9/11 paranoia over protecting borders and using that as an excuse to try to keep people out of the USA. I understand the attempt, and I also understand it reeks of exactly what it is... paranoid provincial racism. I also know what people are doing when they say they have to protect our borders to protect American jobs. What they're really saying is that Americans are reaching a point where they can't compete with people willing to do better or harder work. It means the whole idea of work ethic is lost on people who view a birthright as a job right.

It isn't.

The United States is still a relatively young nation. At 230 years of age, we're just a teenager compared to some of the other nations of the world. And just like teenagers, we think we know better than everyone and have the answers to everything. Unfortunately, there's nobody around to take away the keys to the car when we screw up. Instead, we just keep screwing up even more and more.

Insert current international debacle of choice here.

So, trying to close the borders or shut down access to the American dream isn't much different than turning your back on the girl with the braces in high school English or the guy with the acne in history. It makes you trendy today and the cool kids invite you to lunch. But a year from now you'll still be a shallow ass. Ten years from now you'll look across the room at them at the reunion and wonder when they got so hot and wonder why they won't give you the time of day. And 25 years from now when you're old, fat and useless and they're rich, powerful and famous, you'll kick yourself for not being and staying their best friend for life. You'll try to cozy up and schmooze. And you might even get a little lip service. But in the end, you'll get kicked to the curb as the loser you are.

That's the risk we run as a nation and a society. Once we start kicking others to the curb, we've landed ourselves in the gutter. And the sewer is just one more step away.

AMENDMENT AMENDMENTS

OCTOBER 24, 2006

Its starting to look like the nation that wrote the book on freedom of the press is going to have to start re-reading some of its own history.

Reporters Sans Frontieres, which translates to Reporters Without Borders, has released its survey of 168 nations and their records on journalistic freedom. Freedom of the press is an important measure of a nation's true liberty and ability to function as an honest and open democracy.

The United States, which ranked #17 on the list of 168 when the list first began in 2002, has now slipped to #53. The USA is tied in that position with Botswana, Croatia and Tonga. It almost seems difficult to believe that the United States is no better at journalistic freedom than Croatia, which used to be part of Yugoslavia.

Perhaps even more interesting are the nations higher on the list of press freedoms than the USA. The list includes Bosnia-Herzegovina, Germany, Czech Republic, Canada, Sweden, Namibia, Panama, Taiwan, Israel and dozens of others. Finland, by the way, is number 1.

And because you're curious, below the USA are Uruguay, Kuwait, Brazil, Haiti, Thailand, Egypt. Libya, Cuba and more than 100 more. North Korea is dead last.

So what does it all mean? It means the United States, which should be leading the way in press and journalism freedoms, finds itself in the middle of the pack. Graded on a curve, our place on the list might merit no better than a C+. I doubt the founding fathers believed any of our essential freedoms warranted a C+.

The change of place is blamed on security measures and concessions made necessary by the way in Iraq and terror concerns. But at what point do our fears force us to stop becoming who WE are, and instead become who THEY are? Are we so afraid of losing our way of life that we are willing to give up and give away our way of life? Where is the line that we should not cross?

We are giving up and giving away our essential rights and freedoms without a whimper. We are handing over to our government what the terrorists could not steal from our grasp... Our ability to live freely as Americans, celebrating the rights and freedoms granted in our constitution.

Never in previous generations have there been so many efforts to DENY rights in the form of constitutional amendments as there have been in the past few years. It seems bureaucrats have lost sight of the fact that our Constitution and Bill of Rights were drafted to give us rights and freedoms, not to deny them. Yet that is a constant drumbeat in Washington.

A hundred years from now, will American school children open history books and read of a United States that is foreign to them... one that represents theories and philosophies will have long been given up and forgotten? Will they even be allowed to read of the basic freedoms that they no longer enjoy? And will the future hold another revolution... when people from these shores will set sail for a distant land to cast off the shackles of repression, in search of the freedoms that we once enjoyed?

I'm glad I won't be here to see the answer.

http://www.rsf.org/

THE WORST DECISION IS OFTEN NO DECISION

OCTOBER 26, 2006

"Welcome aboard. Please feel free to sit in the middle of the bus."

A co-worker was congratulating all the gays on the floor yesterday when news broke that New Jersey's Supreme Court had ruled discrimination against same sex couples was illegal. For those who haven't read about it, the court stopped short of saying same-sex couples could marry. It did tell the state it has 180 days to enact legislation that legalizes either same-sex marriages or civil unions.

I told him it was no great accomplishment. He seemed stunned that I was not elated about a court decision that gave gays and lesbians 50% of what we are legally entitled to. I told him it was like being told we could now sit in the middle of the bus (a line he used in his own blog).

True, the New Jersey court went further than many others, and certainly showed some understanding of fundamental civil rights in saying discrimination is illegal. But by not immediately allowing full marriage rights, the court wussed out.

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone honestly believes the New Jersey state legislature is going to approve same sex marriage for the Garden State. Even though it is the right thing to do, and even though treating 10% of the population as second class citizens is clearly the wrong thing to do, doing the right thing is rarely the popular decision in government these days.

For years I have been saying it is time to start withholding our taxes. If they want to cut our rights by 50% or 60% or 80%, then I want them to cut my taxes by the same percentage. I don't see anyone trying to relieve my tax burden, even though they want to deny me basic civil rights. They don't want gays to marry. Some don't want gays to adopt. Others want to be able to keep gays out of housing or jobs. Yet nobody has suggested we shouldn't continue to pay school taxes, even when we have no children in school. Nobody is willing to give us a break on taxes that fund domestic violence programs, after school programs, unemployment programs or urban renewal, even though conservatives want gays deemed unworthy and ineligible.

This is the definition of hypocrisy.

None of this is new. None of it is really news. None of it is likely to change until change is forced in the streets of America.

It is coming. Not today... not tomorrow... probably not next week, next month or next year. But within a generation it will happen. An ugly confrontation is coming. With it will be change. It will have taken the better part of a century and in the end America will be better for it.

But the question remains... Why, in a nation founded on the principles of freedom and respect for human rights, are human repression and hatred the way we are forced to lead our lives?